Totem Member

28 Nov

I’ve been thinking about the past in great detail. And by great detail I mean obsessive, clinical exhumation of past sins and cringes. It’s like CSI but without any use of The Who.

While taking a self-indulgent and pained trip down memory lane, there are always people who keep appearing. An insistant presence to remind you of how you have failed in some respect.

That’s what this person does. And, without having seen them for a decade, they have morphed into a totem of confusion, everything that I am not allowed or sufficiently deserving of in life. I’m not one to regard such things unless there’s some visual or imaginative benefit to be had. Why linger on failure?

But still they linger. I’m tempted to Google and see how they fare. It seems like a futile activity given I feel certain all is pristine like fresh cotton sheets for them and ache that I cannot be like that or live in that environment.

I normally put it down to rejection of my messy personality and penance for prior misdeeds. Ignorance of the ritual and naive belief that power wasn’t going to be an issue. That my apparent complexity would not be so affronting and unattractive as it so often appears.

Were I to assume the personality of my favourite Kraftwerk member, colder thought would suggest that the Totem member had the meltdown and was incapable of dealing with any complexity or something unconventional.

But that’s not the point, is it?

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