Signs of strange days

27 Sep

Things that would help me immeasurably at the moment:

  • Chocolate
  • Chocolate on ice cream
  • Coffee on chocolate on ice cream
  • Nicotine on coffee on chocolate on ice cream

Wait a minute, even I’m grossed out. Intrigued but grossed. I’ll try again.

Things that would help me immeasurably at the moment, part deux:

  • A bike chain
  • Did I mention the chocolate on ice cream?
  • Nail polish (I’m feeling girly)
  • Someone to clean the apartment
  • The ability to keep goldfish for longer than four months
  • A bespoke rune set. Preferably in Yew.
  • Someone to cook that box of organic fruit and veggies that gets delivered weekly. (Note to self: pumpkin enjoys the refrigerator’s climes. It stops it from going soggy.)
  • A lil sumpin sumpin (possibly with Mark Lanegan who is growling suggestively through the speakers at this very moment. I like men who growl. So few do. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to look at him.)
  • In all honesty I’d prefer it were either Banksy or Banks.
  • The fallopian fortitude to sort through the forlorn boxes of books and ephemera under my desk.
  • A smidge of sanity
  • And, finally, the intelligence to understand what the hell was happening in my meditation earlier this evening because it flies in the face of logic and probability. And fashion sense, it should be noted.

Signs that the Seagull’s continued existence is a religious miracle worthy of investigation: I bought her 3 goldfish for her birthday at the end of May. They were named Lunch (the Seagull’s suggestion), Tempura and Sushi (nee Albino Jaffa). Tempura and Sushi shuffled off the mortal coil rather quickly, but Lunch, bless him, hung in there. Until we found him lodged behind an underwater ornament. Backwards.

Signs you’re not cooking enough meals: you go through fresh coffee and vanilla syrup (I’m fragile and the sugar/vanilla combo sustains me. Sustains me.) faster than that flippin box of fruit and veggies. Bok choi can suck my balls.

Signs Google’s Gmail ads think you’re a bitch: You start getting ads on how to stop being so condescending in the margin. And you never mentioned the word.

Signs you think you’re a bitch: You start heckling prehistorians on the telly.

Signs you’re never going to be good at budgeting: “Food”, “Smokes” and “Waxing” all have the same importance in your budget.

Signs that the apocalypse is coming: I actually said “I find it a little too dark”. Yes, people, it’s time to start looking for the four horseman as they stampede across the lands in unspeakable cleansing vengeance or, as I like to refer to their emergence, “ooooh! Ponies!”

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