2 Jan

So…it’s 2007. Apparently, though blog posts lie, 2006 was gone by the time I turned to the left and coughed. Actually, I lie. It was more like the year flashed by while I was busy channel surfing past CSI Laverton.

For those amongst us who are directed in life, they have a slew of resolutions to follow (half-)heartedly throughout the new year in their never ending quest for personal improvement. Given my failure to follow-through certain resolutions (see the posts which made Amoir promise to never mention giving up smoking ever again), I thought I would list my list of failings free from the bloom of good intentions that New Years brings.

  • I am talented at putting things next to the bin but not in the bin.
  • When I die, the Seagull will inherit a fortune of notes scribbled on the backs of envelopes.
  • I have a concentration span that makes Iggy Pop appear serenely focused.
  • When faced with a fridge bursting with organically healthy goodness, I decide there’s nothing in the apartment to eat and call Wagamama to deliver.
  • You know how you save money every pay for a rainy day? I don’t. Look at my hips – they have third degree burns from my pockets.
  • Speaking of my hips, just don’t look at them or refer to the Wagamama point.
  • I have a few natural talents. Obviously, I refuse to improve them into something meaningful because my other hobby is avoiding the “f” and “c” words, “finished” and “completion”.
  • I dislike most people.
  • I don’t contact friends often enough…but expect them to respond immediately when I do contact them.
  • I love to fight and, according to some, appear challenging and complicated.
  • Unlike my approach to money, I don’t give up on things easily and can often hold onto something or lost opportunity for years (it’s just like the envelopes except less physical space is taken up). The best time to grip tighter to these things in an embrace of adrenaline and anxiety is apparently around 3am (which is eternal, as all fans of the KLF would know).
  • When paying bills I revert back to the age of six and prissily set out each separate piece of paper and notate when/how much paid, how much is outstanding, time paid, what I was wearing and quite possibly where I was in my cycle. With a red pen.
  • I physically cringe when thinking of an event where I felt embarrassed. Not just blushing, full fetal curling, grimacing and the odd groan. Please never remind me of the time when I visited my best friend Lincoln’s house and used the phone and turned on the television without asking. Yes, I still cringe. Because his mother chastised me. And that was galling. Cause she was cooler than Princess Leia and Wonder Woman combined. But on par with Batgirl, who just fucking rocked. Oh, did I mention I was 5?
  • I obsessively check emails and cannot resist a ringing phone. Cannot. Resist. You know how in horror films the pursued can run and run and run only to trip and fall? Well, I’d run for a bit and then stop to answer an SMS, blithely forgetting my homicidal pursuer.
  • You may never have met me. You may decide that wearing all black is pretentious. And I will hate you for it and take it personally. Personally.
  • I lose respect for people if they send me emails containing lots of spelling mistakes or SMS-speak.
  • I can have the same meal for at least 3 weeks without fatigue.
  • I buy astrological reports. No, really.

And the last one?

  • I’ll write stupid lists to avoid housework.

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