Conversations with the Schnootle about Mrs Brown

3 Mar

Another night, another fabulous phone date with the Schnootle. I love the phone date. It’s more than a conversation – it’s an allout blather that can, will and does go for hours and consumes half a pack of your finest cigarettes.

The Schnootle, fiery Goddess o’vitriol she is, likes to join me in ruminating upon former liaisons with gentleman callers as we piece together why, quite surprisingly, we’re still single amidst the flood of the feckless. Plus, everyone loves it when you share a sex story that requires either of the involved to maintain either a straight or still aroused expression.

Me: So, we’re in bed and I’m trying to let him know I’m receptive to most things.
Schnootle: Uh-huh.
Me: Apparently that’s then the signal to breathily come out with “oh, but look at you, Mrs Brown might see you…” WHAT IS THAT? How does someone just bring that out? Repeatedly?
Schnootle: Sounds like he just stepped into a pile of Mrs Brown…

And that’s just the tip o’ the iceberg, people…though I’ve now ensured a lifetime of phone messages from the Schnootle whispering Village of the Damned-style “Mrs Brown might see you” before cackling maniacally and hanging up.

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