Chotto matte

31 Mar

Let’s gather round for a moment. No, really, come on. Sit down and let mama give you your daily dose of schadenfreude. Because you’ve been needing it, haven’t you? It’s okay, it’s a completely natural craving. Come lay your tired head on my shoulder and listen to a paranoid rant.

The flight leaves tomorrow morning, seven hours away or so. The Starling formerly known as the Effusive Complimenter will be on her way over in a few hours to drunkenly lay on my bed before taking me to the airport. There is an overflowing suitcase that requires culling, important papers that require gathering and the apartment’s not yet clean. I haven’t even begun to contemplate unplugging the electricals.

However, none of that is important. What is important is hiding all of the incriminating evidence involved in being Amoir.

Tch, you think I don’t see that quiet nod you’re doing on the other side of the monitor?

Yes, so there may be a lot of incriminating evidence. Is there a measurement system for this? Let’s call it slagloads. Considering this new, highly scientific and rigorous measurement system, my apartment may not rank highly in comparison to other abodes however what if she found my diary from 17 years ago? Honey, if that stuff gets out and the world learns of my love for a St Kevin’s boy on the Glen Waverley line train whose name I never knew but had, like, a really cool fringe*….well, I won’t take responsibility for the resulting stock market crash, okay? I hope she doesn’t find it stashed behind all the drugs, sex toys, pornos and compromising photos of Steve Gutenberg that are out on display.

Having someone reign (albeit temporarily) in the Palazzo del Polo Shirt is a touch discomforting for someone who is excessively protective of their home. Proving once again I am but a belltower and shotgun away from truly shining, I dislike having people over to my apartment. It’s an enshrined space where all my little secrets have comfortable little armchairs and cushions. Where I can relax and entertain all manner of thoughts, conversations and knicker-dancing. It’s also home to the Seagull, who is witness to my reticence to expose her to much company. So, the thought of someone pfaffing about unfettered in my gaff, as the intoxicating Dubliner refers to it, makes me want to scream in upper case.

As such, I had a completely girly (can we get my hormone levels checked because I’m behaving like a complete girl at the moment?) fit on Friday and made my workmates all promise to tell me if LeeLee Zofia comes into work wearing my clothes. Because, if she wears my clothes, she’s totally going through every single nook and cranny of the apartment.

Just like I would.

* aw crap. I did it again!

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