Amoir: no fucking clue

10 Apr

Things of which I have no fucking clue, an ongoing series…

My location at any given time. I have no idea where I am. Seriously. I know I was near Shinjuku. But now I`m somewhere….else. Ginza? Man, you could spin me in a chair and told me I woke up in Footscray. That is, if Footscray had giant skyscrapers, eternal sheen from neon lights and coquettish school girls in kneehigh stockings and high heels teamed with miniskirts and….where was I? That`s right, no fucking idea.

You could possibly explain this away as being in a new country and unable to either read or speak the language but the sad truth is I get lost. Far too easily. Drag me over Punt or the other side of the Yarra and I`m flailing like a Dugong at the Duran Duran reunion tour with way too much gel on my flippers. It`s not like I`ve been inner city my whole life but the very rigid, orderly grid layout soothes the spazzy mind.

So, I get lost here. Daily. Often over five times. This is partly to do with Japan`s useless addressing system, more to do with the fact I`m a feckless poltroon who cannot read maps. Can. Not.

I actually had to ask for directions to find a doctor today (long story, maybe another time when I work out which medication is which and pop a painkiller) and I had to think of the nearest landmark from memory. What would you use? See, normally, I would have gone with the “hey, where do I go to see that gigantic dirty singlet with the promo dates for Die Hard 4 attached to the side of a shopping mall (true, I have photos)?”. But what did I come out with?

“Gap?”

Gappu?”

Hai

“Tee hee hee hee hee. You different.”

*sigh*

Other things Amoir has no fucking clue about:

  • Pachinko Parlours – no one will explain them to me but I saw three parlours all in a row in NakanoKu with about 50 people waiting for them to open up. At 9:30. In the morning. Do they sell crack or particularly good deep fried carbs?
  • Most things associated with Japanese keyboards
  • Whether a free chikan grope is on offer at the recommended Sex Museum. Cos, seriously folks? I`ve been on the train nonstop for the past two weeks and I`m beginning to take the rejection personally.
  • If my credit card company will be waiting for me with automatic machine guns at the airport. Heeeeeeeeeeeey, an afternoon at Kiddyland and Gap(pu) add up, ok? And, um, down Harajuku as well. Where the fuck is Bruce Willis when you need `im, eh? LOOK OVER THERE! *runs*
  • How the Seagull will respond to a) being dressed solely in Gap and shirts purchased for their brilliantly insane use of Japlish and b) the knowledge that my daily letters from Japan insinuate that it is the Soot Sprite with the drinking problem and not her mother?
  • How will I ever be able to return to Australia and live some semblance of a normal life when I now know that Pocky come in FLAVOURS! Mango flavoured Pocky, people! Have since bought up on Pocky related merchandise.

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