Stupid purchases, another fine handcrafted list compuslively brought to you by Amoir

1 Jul

I buy completely useless shit. Always under the sheen of future virtue. Like the exercise bike that became an expensive coat rack. The low carb cookbooks that were effective doorstoppers. Or that empty canvas acting as a superfluous canopy in the ‘Gull’s wardrobe. Little derelict tombstones of good intent.

So *awkward beckoning of hand* come with me, gentle reader, as we take a turn through the Palazzo del Polo Shirt and peruse various crap I have bought in a sweaty frenzy.

Fish Tank o’ Death

It’s an unspoken truth the child of recently separated parents is in want of a pet. As such, I vomited $300 to soothe her fractured nerves.

We named them Lunch, Sushi and Tempura (nee Albino Jaffa). They lasted 3 months, dying in staggering spaghetti western succession. This was helpful given my commitment to the fish lasted as long.

During the fourth month, the ‘Gull repeatedly intoned the fish had gone on a holiday.

Please note the emasculated Merv the Mugwamp to the right who has had his head tentacles snapped by the Seagulls. May her future boyfriends take cold warning from this.

Amount paid: $300
Status: forlorn, faces daily taunts to be put on eBay.

The Muffin Pan of Regret
There was a time when I was apparently going to “heal thyself” solely through muffins. I might have been using LSD as dental floss, I can’t confirm that. It may also have had something to do with the low-carb cookbooks I was reading at the time.

Please note I was only reading them. Not eating to plan. Just reading. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, pina coladas and watching exercise clips on YouTube.

I’ve possibly made 2 sets of muffins in them in the 5 years I’ve owned them. Naturally this marks me as being not only a shitty non-baking hostess but also near death from lack of healing muffinry.

Amount paid: $20
Status: spooning excess roasting trays in the cupboard and whispering sweet nothings to the baking tray.

The Tragedy of Tomes
Nothing shows as much promise as a new book. No men, no nights of drinking or new day can match it. The uncreased spine, fresh pages and thousands of words promising untold diversions….at least, that’s the thought as I ravenously pursue the shelves before preening over them momentarily at a cafe.

It can’t be matched at a library. There just isn’t the same thrill, plus there’s that whole returning thing that I’m not so good at, with each library featuring my mugshot.

Amount paid: Oh, let’s not…
Status: choking the ability of my bookcase.

Smokin‘ Fizzle
The Smoke bike was going to give the salvation and transformative healing the cruelly taunting muffins had not.

The vision: I’d be one of those slightly panting happy people who accept all in life with equanimity. Possibly because they’re aware they’re going to melt their calves going up a hill.

The reality: fainting in a car park because smoking and cycling don’t mix.

Amount paid: $550
Status: Can’t you see the dust?

Pulsating Art
Oh come on. Like you don’t have a red jelly mold lamp at your house.

Amount paid: $230
Status: enjoys rotation between the lounge and the Seagull’s room.

One Response to “Stupid purchases, another fine handcrafted list compuslively brought to you by Amoir”

  1. Jenn July 5, 2007 at 4:46 am #

    I love the jelly lamp. Faaabulous darling.Now you owe me a post – I kept up my end of the bargain!

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