Amoir’s notes on Alien vs Predator: Requiem

12 May

As is known to all, my taste in films is AWESOME. Obviously, this is something I need to share with you. So join me *awkward hand gesture*, gentle reader, as I guide you through the craptastic brilliance of Alien Vs Predator: Requiem, sequel to one of the world’s best men-in-suits monster films.

  • Awwwww there’s a love triangle. A sweet blonde, a noble pizza delivery boy and a chump. So cliched. It’s like Porky’s. But with something different bursting through the tight sweater.
  • At least the alien and predator have pure intentions. And plausible characters. Unlike the humans.
  • So, dogs can predict a change in weather and danger. Why can’t they warn of fashion disasters. Like off the shoulder sweaters? Why don’t we see packs of dogs snarling at Supre?
  • I’m always happy when directors get a budget for film. Especially big budget stupid films of men in suits. But why didn’t the budget include lighting? Because there is none.
  • You know, I need me a Predator suit. Mainly for all those hooks. I figure it would be useful when carrying home the shopping.
  • The mask in particular would be sensational for those can’t-be-fucked-getting-out-the-GHD days.
  • Also for seeking out truffles. Because I’m sure Predators like truffles. In Amoirland, they do tricks for them, trilling when a truffle is thrown into their multihinged vitriolic jaws.
  • Awwwww bless them, they’re trying character development. It’s about as illuminating as the lighting.
  • “It’s gross down here”, “I can think of worse places”. What? Like the set of Predator Vs Alien: Requiem?
  • Hey, whatever happened to the guy who did Alien Loves Predator? Damn, I loved that comic.
  • Noble Pizza Delivery boy has his hand in raw sewerage in an effort to find something. I imagine the scripting process was similar.
  • You know, I’m coming back to the Predator suit. Imagine the ability to become invisible. Sure you have a multi-hinged jaw and look like a mecha-version of Vulcan from Gladiators, but it has it’s uses, non?
  • Damn, remind me not to house share with a Predator. They’re a little bit too happy with the acid to do their cleaning, which would totally fuck with the bond.
  • Plus they’d totally go invisible and watch you do embarrassing things. Like watch Alien Vs Predator: Requiem.
  • How can we spruce up the Predator’s image? I suggest we pop him in a Slash hat.

MMmmmmm jaunty, no?
  • You know, if the Predator drove a human vehicle, he’d totally own a Sandman Panel Van.
  • Damn, if only the Aliens had their own chat show. Fuck, their interviewing style would just be fantastic. The other mouth could ask the hard hitting questions, the little internal one the softer ones.
  • I’ve figured it out. The Aliens and the Predators need to band forces and run Eggleston Hall for the next series of “From Ladette to Larvae”.
  • Chestbursters: reminds me of labouring the Seagull. Except I thought I was Denis Hopper. True strory.
  • People who would not be good with guns: Amoir. Give me five minutes and I’d have lost my lighter and trying to shoot a stuyvie alight with a pump action shotgun.
  • I’m just putting it out there: I don’t think the Predator is a team player. But man, he’d be great in the next general meeting.
  • I swear to god they did not just have a scene with babies, did they?
  • And a labouring pregnant woman? What next? Pulling a dutch oven on unicorns?
  • Do you think when no one is looking and after he’s offed a few aliens, Predator dances to “Taking Care of Business”? Me too.
  • Those Aliens. So quick with the home makeovers.
  • You know when the Predator drops all his Sharper Image gadgets and mask that he’s ready to get down to business and let his freak flag fly. And possibly do some fire twirling.
  • Yeah, nothing will test your strength of character like being caught in the battleground between two warring alien species.

One Response to “Amoir’s notes on Alien vs Predator: Requiem”

  1. Adam May 27, 2008 at 12:30 pm #

    you posted this on my birthday. so sweet.

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